Staying Close While Far Apart: The Psychology of Long-Distance Friendships

Moving to a new place brings many positives. However, there is no denying one particularly difficult aspect - leaving important people behind.

In our clinic, we often work with individuals navigating the stress of missing close friends from home. At the same time, they are trying to build new friendships in a different cultural environment, and sometimes in a second language, which can take time. The combination can create a potent sense of loneliness.

The ways we miss our friends back home are myriad and complex. Often, we more easily conceptualize this grief as it pertains to big events, for example, when we don’t have the time or income to travel internationally for a wedding, graduation, or the birth of a child. Likewise, it can devastate us to be miles away if a tragedy strikes, unable to offer physical or emotional support in a hospital room, during a breakup, or at a funeral service.

However, it’s not just the big events - it’s also the small, everyday experiences, the ones that initially grew these friendships: shared inside jokes, spontaneous coffee dates, the comfort of silence while watching a show together. We learn only partial versions of our long distance friends’ growing lives. These incomplete constructions are built through social media posts, text messages, and the occasional virtual call, squeezed into the limited overlap of busy schedules and mismatched time zones. This slow-drip loss of physical and daily intimacy can challenge our friendships, and our mental health, as much as the big moments. 

Given these challenges, how can we stay truly connected across distance? What does the research say about maintaining long-distance friendships in meaningful ways?

Let’s narrow down on four specific studies that tackled the discussion of long distance friendships, and discuss the insights of their results:

Research on Maintaining Long-Distance Friendships

1. “Friends Disconnected: How Mobile Work Transforms Friendships Through Absence and Presence” (Bissell & Gorman-Murray, 2020)This qualitative study involved interviews with mobile workers in the resource sector and highlighted how intense work schedules, time zone differences, and family obligations erode availability for long-distance friends. Participants described a slow fading of friendship ties over time, despite efforts to stay connected via social media. The study emphasizes the emotional labor required to maintain friendships across distance and how perceived absence can lead to feelings of disconnection.

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3. “Maintaining Long-Distance Friendships: Communication Practices For Seeking And Providing Social Support Across Geographic Divides” (Lobburi, 2012)Using interviews with 25 Asian international students in the U.S., this study explored how communication practices among close friends change with distance. Participants noted they were less likely to seek support for everyday problems but still felt emotionally supported during crises. While phone and internet tools were seen as helpful, participants missed the quality of in-person interaction and expressed an ultimate preference for face-to-face communication.

   
   

4. “Face, Voice and Intimacy in Long-Distance Friendships” (Ahmad Pazil, 2018)Focusing on Malaysian students studying in the UK, this study examined how digital communication tools support emotional closeness. Despite limited physical proximity, students used voice and facial expressions through video calls to convey warmth and intimacy. The research found that strong friendships could survive long-distance separation, although in-person interaction remained a valued component for maintaining bonds.

   
   

5. “Friendships are Flexible, Not Fragile: Turning points in geographically-close and long-distance friendships” (Becker et al., 2009)Based on interviews with 100 university students, this study explored how friendships evolve over time. It found that while geographic distance can be a “turning point” in a friendship, it doesn’t necessarily weaken strong friendships. Long-term closeness depends more on the depth of the initial bond than on physical proximity. Participants additionally described cycles of growing apart and reconnecting, showing that strong friendships often withstand changes in location and contact frequency.

   
   

Discussion of Insights

Across all four studies, one message is clear: long-distance friendships require intentional effort, but they are far from doomed. While physical separation and time constraints can challenge intimacy, communication technologies help sustain emotional closeness. However, many participants across the studies emphasized that virtual connection, though helpful, is not a full substitute for physical presence.

It's also worth noting the differences in perspective across study populations. The three studies that focused on students - often younger, with more flexible schedules and shorter-term separations - offered a more optimistic view of long-distance friendships. In contrast, the study on mobile workers had a less positive conclusion, noting that time scarcity, family demands, and prolonged absence led to a slow loosening of ties. Still, even in this context, the friendships weren’t portrayed as lost - just in need of more deliberate, sustained effort. 

My Personal Take 

I’ve lived outside my home country for more than a decade. In that time, I’ve made new friends, kept old ones, and let some drift away. I imagine this is true for many people — some friendships endure with very little intentional effort, while others fade, even when you live close by.

The research makes sense to me: there’s generally a link between intentional effort and long-term friendship. But within that link, there are so many other factors — history, shared values, life stages, and the way we make each other feel.

Here’s a photo of me with three of my closest friends in my 20s. We were in Sydney, out partying, all childfree and early in our professional careers.

We recently recreated the photo on a holiday in Greece. We’re now in our 40s, all working mums with two children each — but that’s where the similarities end. We live in four different countries, have four distinct careers, very different personalities, and are raising our children in completely different family structures.

We barely speak day-to-day and hardly use social media. There are times I wish we lived closer and could share in each other’s daily lives — it’s bittersweet knowing so much of our friendship happens in absence. And yet, when we do manage to get together, it’s as rich, joyful, and nourishing as it was nearly 20 years ago. I credit this group (and a few others not pictured) with helping shape who I am, and the connection I feel with them remains a steady, grounding force, even across distance.

Conclusion

Putting insights from the above studies together, we can offer some broad tips for individuals moving to a new place can keep in mind to maintain the friendships important to them:

1. Use Technology Intentionally - Take advantage of the tools available to maintain regular contact. While time zones and schedules might make live calls difficult, asynchronous communication can still go a long way. Texts, voice notes, shared playlists, short video messages, or even sending a funny meme can help maintain a sense of closeness in everyday life.

2. Prioritize In-Person Visits When Possible - Physical presence is important. If time and finances allow, organizing occasional trips - whether you travel to them, they come to you, or you meet somewhere in between - can help refresh the bond.

3. Respect the Natural Rhythms of Friendship - Friendships, especially long-distance ones, can ebb and flow. There may be stretches where you speak less often, and that’s okay. A temporary lull in contact doesn’t necessarily reflect a lack of care or value. Trust that many strong friendships can bounce back and find their rhythm again when space and time allow.

4. And beyond those recommendations, a reminder that research only takes us so far. It’s hugely helpful, and yet at the end of the day each friendship will ebb and flow to it’s own rhythm, and sometimes it’s perfect just the way it is. 

At Hola Therapy, we’re experienced in supporting people through the emotional challenges of international moves, distance from loved ones, and the complex process of maintaining connection across borders.

Reference List:

Lobburi, Patipan. (2012). Maintaining Long-Distance Friendships: Communication Practices For Seeking And Providing Social Support Across Geographic Divides. Journal of International Education Research (JIER). 8. 125. 10.19030/jier.v8i2.6832. 

Pazil, Nur Hafeeza Ahmad. (2018). Face, Voice and Intimacy in Long-Distance Close Friendships. International Journal of Asian Social Science. 8. 938-947. 10.18488/journal.1.2018.811.938.947. 

Straughan, Elizabeth & Bissell, David & Gorman-Murray, Andrew. (2020). Friends Disconnected: How Mobile Work Transforms Friendships Through Absence and Presence. Area. 53. 10.1111/area.12659. 

Becker, Jennifer & Johnson, Amy & Craig, Elizabeth & Gilchrist, Eileen & Haigh, Michel & Lane, Lindsay. (2009). Friendships are flexible, not fragile: Turning points in geographically-close and long-distance friendships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 26. 347-369. 10.1177/0265407509344310.